JVH Wrapped
A summary of all the data I've collected on myself in 2024
Hello!
If this is your first time reading my Substack, I’d like to wish you a big, happy welcome. I created it about six months back to keep folks up to date with my comedy, as well as to occasionally muse about pop-culture. But today we’re here for something much bigger.
JVH-heads™ know that for the past year, I have been collecting all sorts of data on myself in Google Sheets called the JVH Tracker.
The JVH Tracker had nine key categories. They include:
Comedy Shows
Open Mics
Content Output (i.e. TikTok and Instagram posts)
Running Log
Bold Asks
Meals I Ate Out
Dairy Log
JVH Wins
By collecting this data, I learned a lot about myself and my tendencies. I figured, hey, why not share it with whoever would want to read it?
Let’s dive in…
Comedy Shows
Shows performed: 56 (here’s the full log)
Time spent on stage: 681 minutes
Money earned: $4,537.00
$ per minute earned: $6.66
Most frequently performed at venues: Union Hall (10 times), Caveat (6 times), Punchline SF (6 times), Bell House (3 times), UCB (3 times).
Comedians I Opened For: Sabrina Wu, Kyle Gordon, Tina Friml, Aaron Chen, Dan St. Germain, Gianmarco Soresi.
Quick Analysis:
I did not hit my goal of performing on 75 shows in 2024.
I performed a lot at some really good venues!
I have much better luck getting booked out-of-town compared to in-town.
What I Learned in 2024 About Performing Stand-Up:
I am not close to being able to quit my day job. I am grateful for the money I made performing live comedy in 2024 - $4,537 is a nice chunk of change. But in order to match my salary at my day job, I’d need to make about $55,000 more than that. (If anyone knows any stand-up gigs that pay $55,000, please email me at jonathanvanhalem at gmail dot com.) The good news is these things tend to happen all at once, so once you reach that threshold, you kind of blow past it.
I’d be well served to get passed at Manhattan clubs. Right now I send my avails to two clubs; QED and West Side Comedy Club. Those two clubs netted me a total of 1 booking in 2024 (spoiler alert, it was QED). Despite my relative success in the Brooklyn comedy scene, the infrastructure isn’t there to be performing night in and night out (or not for me, at least). I can only improve so much if I’m only doing ~ 50 shows per year. It’d be a real game-changer to get passed at The Stand, New York Comedy Club, or heck, The Comedy Cellar.
How Do I Get Passed At These Places? Great question. I have no idea. The way I got passed at the places I got passed at were by asking if they needed folks/if I could send avails. I have the sneakiest suspicion that won’t work at the Comedy Cellar. And I get it. Truth be told, I don’t really think I offer them anything that they don’t already have. When I look at The Stand’s lineups, I see a lot of comedians who are as good as I am, but with 10x more social media followers. So I guess the solution to this is be undeniable? Okay, but that’s what I’ve been trying to do this whole goddamn time. If you, person reading this, have any guidance or suggestions, let me know!
2023 Jonathan would be happy with 2024 Jonathan. There are quite a few positives in this data. First off, I made more money than I’ve ever made doing comedy. Second, I’m performing at really good venues. From 2017-2023, I performed at Union Hall/The Bell House a total of 3 times. In 2024 alone, that number rose to 13 times. That’s a 333% increase. At that rate, I will perform at those venues 43 times in 2025, 144 times in 2026, and by 2028 I will be the only comedian booked at either of those venues.
On top of that, I’ve been doing less of what I call “bad shows”. Bad shows are shows where after I’ve done my set, I no longer have a desire to be alive. I would name drop where these shows tend to happen, but that’d be really rude and poor form, so just DM me personally if you want to know.
There’s money to be made out of town. I’m at a point where I have enough credits/etc. where I can leave town for a weekend and make like $500-$1000. Unfortunately there are costs of getting to out of town that eat into that, but those numbers should be higher in 2025 as I start headlining shows, like in Bethlehem, PA and Philadelphia.
Ask for the things you want. Of the ~ 50 shows I did this year, I booked 16 of them by being asked by the producer, and the other ~ 30 by straight up asking the producer if they needed people. I obviously hate asking people and wish I was getting more emails and DMs about shows than I know what to do with, but that’s not my reality. I’ve started bringing this mentality to other aspects of my life, and it turns out asking is a really solid path for trying to get things that you want.
I can do an hour. I have an hour of material that is all good. In 2025, I will be touring that hour to show people around the country that I possess such skills.
Open Mics
Here are the top line stats for the data collected re: open mics.
Mics attended: 28
Time spent on stage: ~100 minutes
Analysis:
I did not hit my goal of doing 75 open mics in 2024.
What I Learned in 2024 About Open Mics:
A question I often ask myself is: are open mics in New York City a huge fucking waste of time? I am sad to report I am no closer to figuring out that answer. I will say this: I work an in-office job from 8:30am to 5:30pm and it’s not easy to get my name in these buckets that go out while I’m still at the office.
My goal of 75 mics this year was stupid. Anyone who has done stand-up comedy in New York City knows open mics are a grueling process. For me, the average experience is spending 45 minutes on the subway to get to the mic, waiting ~60 minutes to perform, eating shit, and then spending 45 minutes on the subway to get home. To subject myself to that 75 times in one year was just too much for me.
Comedy is a rich kid’s game. We all know this, no sense in harping on it. Just know that if I ever saw you get dropped off at an open mic in an Uber, I hate you. It’s nothing personal - you can still be a lovely person. It’s just you should have to declare before your set starts how much your education cost (I should disclaim, I do not come from squalor. I grew up in a very nice suburb in New Jersey. I went to public school, and then an in-state public university that cost a total of $78,000 for four years [paid for by my parents]. The thing is, plenty of my comedy contemporaries went to boarding schools/private schools/Ivy Leagues that cost upwards of $60,000 a year. It’s crazy - there are people who by the time they moved to New York, their parents have sunk nearly $1 million into their education. There is, of course, no sense in harping on this, but it’s something I like to remind myself from time to time so I can remember that we’re not all playing with the same tools at our disposal.)
Open mics can often be a huge waste of time. I would do new material on stage for the first time at shows and it would somewhat reliably go well. That may not be the case for everyone but I wasn’t really burned too often by that method.
There are a handful of good open mics out there. My favorite one is easily Jeans and A Nice Top. It’s every Tuesday at Pine Box Rock Shop, and it’s hosted by Katherine Gorham and Claire Siemietkowski, two lovely people and good comedians. They create a wonderful vibe in the room, and I’m grateful for their service to the community!
Content Output
Ah, social media. The most significant and least fun part of pursuing stand-up comedy. Realistically the only way for a comedian like me (aka not on SNL and not on a sitcom and not on Wild N’ Out and not on anything anyone has ever heard of ever) to be able to tour this country is to get that Instagram following up to around 50k (currently at 13k) and my TikTok at around 100k (currently at 25k).
Anyways, In 2024, I posted ~ 45 clips to TikTok and Instagram. Neeeeearly one a week. About 17 of those were what I’d consider to be successful (a.k.a. broke 100,000 views on TikTok or Instagram). I learned so much this year about why clips go “viral” and why others die a slow, undignified death.
Metrics-wise, here are my Top 5 most successful reels of 2024.
Relationship/Birthday Paradox
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TikTok: 47,000 views
Instagram: 401,000 views
Notes: I like this video because it’s a cute observation. It’s not crazy funny, but I haven’t seen anyone else make this exact point before, so I’m not surprised it did as well as it did.
What Would You Do? with John Quinones
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TikTok: 657,000 views
Instagram: 8,000 views
Notes: Turns out there is a huge community of What Would You Do? fans on TikTok (but curiously not on Instagram), and I was rewarded for feeding that beast. I love this show dearly and have quite a bit to say about it, so I’m glad I was able to meet the people where they’re at.
Blind Taste Test
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TikTok: 1,000,000 views
Instagram: 989,000 views
Notes: I like and am proud of this video, but I’m like 70% certain this clip did well because it got passed around in some sort of underground piss kink community.
Hunter Biden vs. Barron Trump
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TikTok: 1,600,000 views
Instagram: 351,000 views
Notes: I only ever did this joke one time, at this show. I think it’s a relatively weak joke, but it had the right buzzwords for virality on TikTok. If you’re wondering why it did so well on TT but poorly on IG, political stuff just does not do the same numbers on Instagram (by design!) .
Diet Coke
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TikTok: 2,500,000 views
Instagram: 2,300,000 views
Notes: I hate this joke (mainly because it’s not much of a joke), but I know exactly why it was, by far, my most successful joke of the year. People watch it and think to themselves “this is so me!” or “this is so you!” Either way, it’s catnip to get sent around, despite its lack of quality. It netted me several thousands of followers on both platforms.
Now…
Here are my five favorite videos I made in 2024…
GRWM to watch Family Guy
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TikTok: 210,000 views
Instagram: 5,000 views
Notes: I think this video is a great! So fun, tracks well as a parody of the GRWM genre, while still being true to my voice, plus I got to pay homage to one of my most formative comedy influences, Family Guy. I have no idea why it did so poorly on Instagram, but c’est la vie. I wish I got some reach-outs from it, but it’s still relatively early in its online life, so maybe some will happen down the line.
CCD/Catholic Children Are Evil
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TikTok: 230,000 views
Instagram: 8,000 views
Notes: I like this bit because the audience for it is so narrow (people who grew up Catholic but didn’t go to Catholic school) and it hits really hard for them. It’s a joke I can’t do at most shows because the average person doesn’t know what CCD is, but it will always hold a special place in my heart. It was also performed at 50 First Jokes at the Bell House, a show I was very proud to perform on in 2024.
Working at Fox News vs. Working at MSNBC
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TikTok: 160,000 views
Instagram: 310,000 views
Notes: What can I say? This joke is sort of my “Free Bird". I like it because I am 100% certain I am the only comedian out there who’s telling a joke about how Karl Rove is actually cool. If it was 2018, I would write a one man show about my time at Fox News. Shout out to Carly Hoogendyk for producing the show that this was filmed on, Newcomers at The Bell House, which singlehandedly helped my career more than anything thus far!
AMC A-List is a Scam
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TikTok: 230,000 views
Instagram: 10,000 views
Notes: This video was recorded at my friend Chandler Dean’s smash hit live show Abolish Everything. This video was also the first (and thus far only) time I have been featured in Vulture Magazine. I love the movies but seeing like 6 a month was just too much for me. I needed to touch grass, as the kids say.
Hitler Reacts to Straight Guys at Chappell Roan
https://x.com/jon_vanhalem/status/1798032428600291654
TikTok: 0 views (taken down for copyright infringement)
Instagram: Never posted
Notes: This video had everything! Nostalgia. Parody. Modern day pop-culture. Queer icons. Hitler. It’s the sort of video I would love to come across on the internet. But sometimes you need to be the change you wish to see. It existed only on Twitter, which is where some of my favorite people are. Taylor Lorenz screen recorded it and put it on her Instagram feed, which was cool. I like that this video shows I’m “with” it. I understand the culture, and I am a competent comedy writer. It’s the opposite of the Diet Coke video.
What I Learned About Social Media in 2024:
The most successful strategy isn’t always the noblest strategy. If you want to sell out, it’s super easy. My most successful clip was a nothing joke about Diet Coke. I could write a few nothing jokes about Trader Joe’s or Hinge and get millions of more views/thousands of more followers. It makes me admire those who get a lot of engagement only putting out videos they truly believe in, like Hotel Art Thief, instead of just being a slop factory.
This stuff isn’t going away, so might as well get good at it. Knowing how to be good at comedy and knowing how to be good at social media are two different things, but I do admire when someone has both of those skill sets (shout out Jamie Wolf, Kyle Gordon, KC Shornima, Caroline Baneiwicz, and too many more to mention). If you want to learn more about the social media process, you should absolutely subscribe to David Zucker’s Substack. He’s constantly teaching me new things about the social media landscape as well as dispelling old myths that many of us comedians have for some reason take as gospel.
People do see this stuff! I got followed by some high profile people in 2024 because they saw the reels and liked them. Also got some reach outs from industry. The truth of the matter is, this is the only way these people are ever going to see my comedy. They’re sure as hell not coming to Hot Gossip this Saturday at Union Hall. You gotta meet the people where they’re at, no matter how stressful it is to make it happen.
Social media is a huge energy suck. I’ve spent so many hours making videos that I end up having to put on private because they performed so poorly. That’s just how it goes sometimes. But boy, it can be draining. But that leads me to…
Less is more. Is it better to post 2 clips a week that do fine or one clip a month that does excellent? Certainly the latter, right? I think that’s going to inform my social media goals for 2025.
Running
Okay, we’re done with comedy for now. Onto running.
I love to run. It’s some of the only time in my day where I’m reliably not looking at screens. Here’s my total mileage for 2024. Here’s a list of every run.
Analysis:
I reached my mileage goal for 2024! 🎉 My goal for this year was to run 750 miles. I blew past that by the end of November. The most miles I ever ran in a year was in 2021 when I did 1,400 miles, but the only reason I was able to do that was because of the pandemic so I think it’d be silly to try to match that number.
What I Learned About Running in 2024:
For some god forsaken reason, I’m able to stay consistent on this one thing. While I often ebb and flow on my followthrough re: different aspects of my life, my dedication to running never wavers. I don’t know why that is, I just know that it is.
I get sick more than I realize. On my running spreadsheet I indicate when I am unable to run because of a cold/etc. Turns out I had five colds over the course of 2024. I have to work on my immune system.
Bold Asks
What is a '“bold ask”, you wonder? It’s simply when you ask for something you want. It’s a phrase I borrowed from my friend Molly Brenner, and it’s really changed the game for me. Basically in 2024, I decided to keep a running list of anytime I made a bold ask. Examples of these include;
Cold emailing a stand-up show asking to perform on it
Cold emailing a venue to see if I could put up a show
Cold emailing industry/etc. for some opportunity I have my eye on
In 2024 I made 51 bold asks. Out of those, 32 were successful. That’s 32 opportunities I would not have gotten if I was afraid to ask! I would link my list of bold asks, but that’s far more vulnerable than I’m willing to get. If you really wanna know, just send me a DM.
What I Learned About Bold Asks in 2024:
If you’re not an insanely huge asshole/completely devoid of talent, people generally want to help you. As someone who has now been on the receiving end of a handful of bold asks, I enjoy being able to help people when I can. It makes people feel good to do things for others.
There’s little to no cost for a failed bold ask. Of the 19 times I made a bold ask and failed, not a single one of the people replied back with a mean answer. The overwhelming majority didn’t answer (which is fine), and maybe one or two said something along the lines of “not now, but eventually.” Sometimes people have been unable to help me with what I asked them, but then recommended me to someone else for a similarly helpful thing! (h/t Gianmarco Soresi!)
Meals I Ate Out
I love eating meals out. I love good tasting food, and love not having to clean up a kitchen. But, I operate on a very strict budget (I do not make a good salary), so I have to be very careful to not spend too much money on meals out. This can be difficult as I am often away from my home. My goal was to spend no more than $400 per month on meals out (which in New York City is very difficult). Here’s what happened. (If you want to see specifically where I ate, click here).
Analysis:
I was generally successful, though I stopped collecting data in that last third of the year. This is because at some point during the year I moved in with my girlfriend (aka, my rent went down) so I didn’t need to be as strict about this anymore.
What I Learned:
Nothing, I guess? Idk, I knew before this year that eating out is expensive. I still know that. I will not be tracking this in 2025.
Dairy Log
I’m not going to go crazy deep into this one. Basically, I am lactose intolerant and struggle with stomach aches. This year I tracked exactly which days I had stomach aches, but that was too cumbersome, so then I tracked which days I had dairy. I fell off tracking this data a few times because this spreadsheet could often be daunting and this was easily the information I cared about the least. If you want to see every stomach ache I had for the first half of 2024, click here. It’s nearly indecipherable, but many friends find this to be the most interesting data I collect so I feel compelled to share it.
JVH Wins
I am aware this tracker is pretty weird. Some could even call it slightly autistic (I won’t, because I’m afraid of blowback).
But if I’m going to have a brain that spends two hours a day deciphering advanced baseball statistics, I might as well try to harness it for my own good.
The whole point of the tracker (and the whole point of all data analytics) is to see how I can use this information to chart a stronger path forward for the future. It’s very mechanical, very left-brain (which is kind of funny since comedy is obviously right-brain). It’s really easy to get frustrated when things aren’t moving as fast as I want them to, or when the data doesn’t yield actionable results. Because of this, my girlfriend Lauren encouraged me to take time to truly appreciate the progress I made this year by writing down the instances where I had a sense of victory. Some people would call this a “gratitude journal”, but that’s for girls so instead I call them “JVH Wins”.
So, without any further adieu, here are some of my favorite JVH Wins from 2024…
The leveling up of my stand-up show, Hot Gossip. A little Hot Gossip history - it started as a free show in the backroom of Pine Box Rock Shop in Bushwick. It was very successful, but one of my goals for 2024 was to turn it into a bigger show that I netted some money from.
In 2024 there were seven Hot Gossip shows; two at Littlefield and five at Union Hall. Across the seven shows, 517 tickets were sold. I was able to book about 35 comedians. A great time was had by all.
I PR-ed my running time for 1 mile. I ran a 6:51 mile a few months back. I had never done that before.
I was followed on Instagram by Jon Cryer. Now I can DM him whenever I want, which thus far has been every single day.
I was also followed by Seth Meyers. I’m probably going to make a group chat for the three of us where we talk about guy stuff.
I had a satire piece accepted in McSweeney’s. I co-wrote it with my aforementioned friend Chandler Dean. It’s niche, but I like it a lot. I had tried and failed several times in the past to get published there - who knew the trick was just teaming up with a satire writer who is more talented than you.
Made new friends AND kept the old ones. In Whiplash, Andrew gets in an argument with his family where he says no one remembers you unless you’re great. Then his uncle says something along the lines of “that’s not true, your friends remember you.” This obviously did not sate Andrew, but I ultimately think there’s credence to what both of them said. Anyways, shoutout to my friends LC, AG, RK, CN, JB, BFH, RFH, PSH, CG, RS, BC, MB, AM, MK, LM, AP, AD, TM, IVH, CD, NN, and many more.
In Conclusion
Wow. You made it to the end. You must either know me personally or have a parasocial relationship with me. Either way, I’m flattered.
My Goals for 2025
My goals are the same as they always are - get better at stand-up comedy, be healthy, etc.
Perform on over 100 stand up shows. I have 11 booked in January so I’m off to a good start. If you produce comedy and would like to have me on your show, reach out and I will almost certainly do it.
Post 12-15 videos that I’m genuinely proud of. For social media it’s pointless to make metric based goals (i.e. views) because it’s so far out of your control, so best I can do is just try to post X number of videos that I think are a great example of my comedic voice.
Run 1,000 miles. Why not?
Not eat dairy for 90% of the days of the year. 2025 is the year I finally take control of my stomach.
Continue boldly asking and encouraging my friends to do the same. It works! Why not do it?
I, of course, have some broader goals as well. Stand-up wise, I want to get a Don’t Tell set, or perform on Fallon/Colbert/Meyers. I want to get a writing job at a late night show or a sitcom, but those are once again so far out of my control that I can’t really write them down as goals where I can tangibly do something to achieve them.
Okay, that’s finally it for me. Thank you so much for reading! Whoever you are, I’d love to hear from you.
Happy New Year, and good luck in 2025!
JVH
I enjoyed this! Mostly commenting in case comment numbers show up in the 2025 numbers.