April 2025: Don't Tell Comedy, Japan Travel, and Cruel Reality
The Lord Giveth and the Lord Taketh Away
Hey everybody (or should I say… Kon’nichiwa),
First off, a big hello to my FOUR (4) new subscribers. This is exciting - assuming I continue gaining subscribers at this same rate, I will hit 1,000 subscribes by 2092 (just in time for my 98th birthday 😌).
What a month, huh? The highs were high, and the lows were… well, not that low. But the lows existed, and that’s more than I’d care for. If it were up to me, my life would be a never-ending sequence of positive events, ultimately culminating in my Rapture where I get to be the starting 3rd baseman for the Heaven Mets™.
So before we get into it and I tell you how much money I made doing comedy, enjoy some photos from the life of Jonathan Garrett van Halem, mainly centering around my recent ten day trip to Japan.
(Conveyer belt sushi in Tokyo, not sure why my hand does that)
(New pants, sick fit)
(An eventual “before” photo used by internet sleuths to prove I got veneers)
(I used to exclusively play as this character, Ness, when I played Super Smash Bros on N64 as a child)
(Great cafe name)
(Humbling experience to get in the batting cage, even though I did barrel up a few)
(Decorative volcano at DisneySea Tokyo)
What I Listened To This Month
Kyoto- Phoebe Bridgers - This song was stuck in my head because I was in Kyoto but only a few weeks ago. The lyrics “day off in Kyoto, got bored at the temple, looked around for the 7/11” hit really hard when you’re in Kyoto, got bored at a temple, and are looking around for a 7/11 to get a snack.
I Hope You Dance - Lee Ann Womack - When I graduated 8th grade (2008), the 7th graders were forced to sing this song to us as their way of wishing us luck in the next chapter of our lives. I did not appreciate the gesture of kindness at the time, though in retrospect it was very sweet. It came back into my purview after finding out one of my coworkers had a similar experience when he graduated 8th grade.
Party 4 U - Charli XCX - YOUCOULDWATCHMEPULLUPONYOURBODYLIKE IT'SSUMMER,TAKEMYCLOTHESOFF… I am not immune to the trends of the internet. But I am unsure why this song is talking off now of all times. I remember seeing Charli XCX live at Hammerstein Ballroom in 2022 and losing my mind when she played this song.
Perfect Places - Lorde - New Lorde single has me listening to the old Lorde singles. Melodrama is a no-skips, perfect album that plays on repeat on JVH’s ol’ Spotify.
What I Watched This Month
I watched The White Lotus season three finale. I genuinely found Carrie Coon’s character’s final monologue to be so beautiful. Time really does give things meaning.
On my 13 hour flight to Tokyo, I spent ten hours watching the first season of The Sopranos. I’ve seen the show many times, but haven’t watched since 2020. I was beside myself at how good the show is, right off the bat. Tony Soprano is a fully realized character from day one. As a north New Jersey native, it will never stop delighting me that what’s considered by many to be the greatest TV show of all time took place in the area I grew up, during the time I grew up there.
Comedy Updates/Upcoming Shows
I performed on 5 shows in April of 2025. I was on stage for a total of 102 minutes, and made $500.
This was my least amount of time on stage, as well as my lowest earning month of 2025, by far. I will chalk this up to the fact that I was in Japan for 12 days out of the month, though it’s still slightly disappointing. I did book one show to perform on while in Tokyo, though I ended up having to cancel since it didn’t align with my schedule. Probably for the best.
I headlined Don’t Tell Quakertown and Don’t Tell Scranton a few weeks back. Normal shows, thirty minute sets. I love doing Don’t Tell shows because you get to perform a long set for an engaged audience without having to worry about selling tickets yourself. It’s a fantastic set-up for comedians willing to leave town.
What made these shows unique is they’re the first shows that I’ve taken a beta blocker at before going on stage. A few months ago I started having claustrophobia-induced panic attacks on the subway, which carried over into panic attacks before going on stage.
I began seeing a therapist (which was immensely helpful) but then also got these beta blockers to use as needed for headlining performances. Shocker, they worked like a charm. Turns out it’s impossible to have a panic attack when you’re on medication that makes it impossible to have a panic attack.
Netflix Introducing… announced their showcase selections. I do not have a personal relationship with any of these people, but I recognize some of the names from the Grind Circuit™ (Grind Circuit™ is what I call venues that answer cold emails from comedians, a la… me). Mazel tov to these folks and may the Netflix Gods shine upon me next year.
I appeared on Nebula TV’s Abolish Everything. Abolish Everything was created by my friend and frequent collaborator, Chandler Dean. The conceit is essentially roasting your pet peeve. I decided to rail against my girlfriend’s desire to always turn off “the big light” (the overhead lighting in our apartment). I think it makes it too dark - she thinks the lighting is too harsh. Full set will be posted to YouTube eventually, but here’s a little snippet for now. It’s doing very nicely online.
I got burned a little bit this month by comedy, financially. I was scheduled to perform on Don’t Tell Columbus for April 12th and 13th, four total shows, good pay. I had booked my flight, booked my AirBNB, made it all the way to LaGuardia aaaaand… my flight got delayed. Not just delayed, but delayed by six hours. Which meant I would’ve landed on April 12th at midnight, AKA two hours after my second show was scheduled to end. I ended up flying out the next day to do the other two shows, but not before taking the hit of paying to get to the airport twice, as well as paying for an evening in my AirBNB that I didn’t end up using. It turned the trip from (barely) being a money making endeavor to being (barely) a money-losing endeavor. Really frustrating, because it’s not like there’s anyone I can complain to. The airline doesn’t care. The AirBNB doesn’t care. The pay from the comedy club isn’t guaranteed, it is (reasonably) dependent on me showing up and performing the show. Just something to think about when I do my financial planning for out-of-town shows going forward.
Hot Gossip Comedy was set to happen on Sunday, April 27th at The Bell House, but we ended up getting bumped by the venue five days out. It was definitely frustrating, but I did see where they were coming from. They cited low ticket sales as the reason (and look, they weren’t high, but we were at 45 tickets sold five days out… I would forecasted about 150 total tickets sold, which is nothing to sneeze at). They instead gave the slot to Jaqueline Novak, whose tickets cost twice as much as mine, and who (I assume) sold twice as many tickets as Hot Gossip was forecasted to sell. If I were a business and my options were to make X amount of dollars of 4X amount of dollars, I would choose 4X, too. I wish I had known a bit earlier so I could’ve saved face with some online publications that I reached out to for publicity for the show, but c’est la vie. The venue was nice and did say they want Hot Gossip to happen there in the future. Perhaps I’ll pitch them in the summertime.
I will be regrouping and doing a small “Jonathan van Halem & Friends” show at The Rat in DUMBO, Brooklyn on May 27th. 55 seat venue, should sell out pretty easily. More information to come.
I have headlining dates in the following cities:
5/17 Erie, PA
6/12 Portland, ME
6/14 Portsmouth, NH
7/12 Bennington, VT
9/19 Boston, MA
10/10-10/11 Boulder, CO
10/24 Rochester, NY
That’s it for now
I will be back next month with more career updates/pop culture recommendations and all of that good stuff. Thank you so much for reading, I appreciate the support!
Love,
JVH